Personal Journal #12 – The show’s over
Well the viewing and the funeral mass is over. The death certificates came in today. My brother started the paperwork to get the death benefits going from the state retirement system. He had me stay an extra day so that we could go through my mom’s room to clear out some of her personal stuff. Of course that didn’t happen.
I’m worried that I don’t really feel anything. It has gone back to what it always was, her not talking to me, and me not talking to her. The only difference is now when I think about it, I remember that she’s gone. And this doesn’t really bother me either. I think it bothers my brother that I don’t seem sadder. He tells me all the time that, “I really miss her Les.” Like I’m going to suddenly break down and apologize for not living my life according to her plan.
I’m not saying that I’ve been emotionless this week. I have cried, but I think the thing that really makes me sad is that I miss my grandparents, my grandmother especially. The passing of my mother just reminds me of how much I miss them.
My brother isn’t dealing with the passing well either. He is blocking it out. Without her around to worry about anymore, I think he really feels lost and without purpose. It’s a shame that he has to feel that way. I can’t tell you how many people came up to me at the viewing and funeral and said, “Boy, your brother is some special guy.” Yes, that’s true, but I wonder if anyone ever stopped to think WHY he was home taking care of her after I left? Didn’t anyone ever stop to ask, “Why is this 30-year old guy still living at home with his mom, and why did his older sister leave and never come back?” I don’t think they did. I think people just thought it was easier to chalk it up to me being a bitch and my brother being the martyr.
In the end I don’t think it matters who got out and who stayed, we are both going to be totally screwed up for the rest of our lives. I’m not going to be able to emotionally connect with people like I should, and my brother is going to forever feel bitterness and resentment toward me for what happened. One day I will tell him the stories of why I never came back, but now is not the time.
We are due to come back in August to pack up some of the house. Hopefully we really will. Not like today… I just sat their. When I walked into the house today, I was greeted with a, “You’re late” instead of a “hello”, or a “how are you?” I was 30 minutes later than I said I would be there… but I’ve been early or on time all week, and this morning, I wanted to get some sleep and have breakfast with my family.
My brother is like a stranger to me now. I hope this will change in time, but if it doesn’t it won’t be my fault.