Personal Journal #11 – Today is the day
In case you haven’t heard or figured it out, my mother died last week and I have come home to do what ever it is you are supposed to do when a parent dies. I’m sure my brother would have a fit if he knew that I was talking about this online and having people read this. But at this point I don’t care.
For those of you still living in and around Rockledge and interested, the viewing is tonight (Wednesday 19 May) from 5-7 at Florida Memorial Gardens on US-1. We are also having a funeral mass for her tomorrow morning at St Mary’s Catholic Church at 11.
She passed away last week, and while my brother and I think it was last Wednesday the 12th, the official death certificate will say the 13th.
Now for the venting… I am so sick and tired of people telling me “I’m sorry for your loss” That’s fine, you can be sorry all you want, just don’t tell me. You have to understand, my mother and I were not close at all. She and I haven’t spoken since October 2001 (except for a phone call or two lately). We always sent her flowers for mother’s day, but that was about it.
She always had an excuse why she didn’t want to take the initiative to be more involved in our lives, but it basically boils down to she never accepted who I married and she wanted to punish me on some level for that. I’m not saying she sat around the house all day devising ways to screw me over or piss me off. No, my mom worked in more subtle ways.
I’m just tired of playing the “good sister” and trying to do and say the right thing. I don’t know what the right thing is. I know folks usually get a “free pass” for a while after someone in the family dies, but I’m sure that if I don’t do what etiquette dictates, I will hear about it. I can only play along for so long.
So, I draw strength from the support of my husband and children; from my in-laws; from friends. Today will be the first time I’ve seen her since 2001… I don’t know what’s going to happen or how I’m going to feel, and I do not like being in a position that I don’t have control.