Personal Journal #11 – Today is the day

In case you haven’t heard or figured it out, my mother died last week and I have come home to do what ever it is you are supposed to do when a parent dies.  I’m sure my brother would have a fit if he knew that I was talking about this online and having people read this. But at this point I don’t care.

For those of you still living in and around Rockledge and interested, the viewing is tonight (Wednesday 19 May) from 5-7 at Florida Memorial Gardens on US-1. We are also having a funeral mass for her tomorrow morning at St Mary’s Catholic Church at 11.

She passed away last week, and while my brother and I think it was last Wednesday the 12th, the official death certificate will say the 13th.

Now for the venting… I am so sick and tired of people telling me “I’m sorry for your loss”  That’s fine, you can be sorry all you want, just don’t tell me.  You have to understand, my mother and I were not close at all.  She and I haven’t spoken since October 2001 (except for a phone call or two lately).  We always sent her flowers for mother’s day, but that was about it.

She always had an excuse why she didn’t want to take the initiative to be more involved in our lives, but it basically boils down to she never accepted who I married and she wanted to punish me on some level for that.  I’m not saying she sat around the house all day devising ways to screw me over or piss me off.  No, my mom worked in more subtle ways.

I’m just tired of playing the “good sister” and trying to do and say the right thing.  I don’t know what the right thing is.  I know folks usually get a “free pass” for a while after someone in the family dies, but I’m sure that if I don’t do what etiquette dictates, I will hear about it.  I can only play along for so long.

So, I draw strength from the support of  my husband and children; from my in-laws; from friends. Today will be the first time I’ve seen her since 2001… I don’t know what’s going to happen or how I’m going to feel, and I do not like being in a position that I don’t have control.


About Lesley Reynolds

Wife, mom, professional... Pictures, gym, hiking, knitting, sewing, spinning, reading, movies, TV... Facebook, Blog and Twitter...

Posted on May 19, 2010, in Personal Journal and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. It sounds like this is hard on you even though you and your mother weren’t close as of late. I understand that people telling you that they are sorry for your loss can get annoying but they do really mean well and they have no idea about the relationship between you and your mother.

    I acknowledge that this is a hard time and all you can do is lean on those around you to get you through. Be safe and work through as many emotions as you can.

  2. Lesley Reynolds

    It really helps to be able to vent, even a little bit. Kind of like shouting from the mountain tops. I talk to Jason about all of this, and he is being so supportive right now. He really has been incredibly understanding and patient throughout this entire time.

    I really don’t have to vent via the blog, but on some level, I think it really does get everything out there and off my chest. It’s like going for a jog to clear my head, but without all the sweat… lol.

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